can't type anymore...
until the next episode,
Lea =/
- Location:my room
- Mood:
aggravated - Music:stay with me - danity kane
I have finally had the right start to a new year.
The only one i have ever had, and i hope not the last.
Finally got my midnight kiss,
from my sunshine, Connie. I'm crazy about this girl.
She treats me better than anyone ever has and when she's with me i'm attached
at the hip to her. When she leaves i mope, ask mama g.. lmao
i hate being away from her....
Not many people know this,
but I didn't really think we had lasting power when we started.
I had just dealt with cutting Melissa out of my life
and not knowing what was to come of it.
I do love melissa. I love myself more.
As easily as it can be to just throw all this to the wind, I refuse.
If at some point in my life that melissa and I go back to how we were
and she proves that she deserves me then thats great.
There will be no dropping things to run to melissa.
She had her chance and i stand by my statement.
We talk still and it hurts her that I have someone. I don't mean to hurt her.
She sat and dealt with that crazy bitch and I waited. I'm not the same girl she first met.
But that's not my fault. She talks to Mari and tells her that she loves and misses me.
I do miss her. I do love her.
But its different now.
Its from a broken place.
A tainted, hurt, & guarded heart.
A heart she made that way.
What ever happens with me and melissa is in God's hands.
If he wants us to be together
then it'll happen.
But only time will tell...
I know that was the biggest mistake of her life.
Its just one she will have to deal with.
Anyway, going back to my sunshine!!!
She makes me soooo happy
She puts the smile on my face.
I love sleeping with her and when she's not here..
I'm sad =[
But i get these tingles when she smiles at me,
or texts me,
or holds me,
or cuddles with me,
or touches me...
anything hehehe
i've never been treated the way she treats me..
and i'm the princess lol
I can't wait to see what happens with us.
It took a lot to get to this..
but i have to say 2oo9 may just be my year!
until the next episode,
Lea =]
The only one i have ever had, and i hope not the last.
Finally got my midnight kiss,
from my sunshine, Connie. I'm crazy about this girl.
She treats me better than anyone ever has and when she's with me i'm attached
at the hip to her. When she leaves i mope, ask mama g.. lmao
i hate being away from her....
Not many people know this,
but I didn't really think we had lasting power when we started.
I had just dealt with cutting Melissa out of my life
and not knowing what was to come of it.
I do love melissa. I love myself more.
As easily as it can be to just throw all this to the wind, I refuse.
If at some point in my life that melissa and I go back to how we were
and she proves that she deserves me then thats great.
There will be no dropping things to run to melissa.
She had her chance and i stand by my statement.
We talk still and it hurts her that I have someone. I don't mean to hurt her.
She sat and dealt with that crazy bitch and I waited. I'm not the same girl she first met.
But that's not my fault. She talks to Mari and tells her that she loves and misses me.
I do miss her. I do love her.
But its different now.
Its from a broken place.
A tainted, hurt, & guarded heart.
A heart she made that way.
What ever happens with me and melissa is in God's hands.
If he wants us to be together
then it'll happen.
But only time will tell...
I know that was the biggest mistake of her life.
Its just one she will have to deal with.
Anyway, going back to my sunshine!!!
She makes me soooo happy
She puts the smile on my face.
I love sleeping with her and when she's not here..
I'm sad =[
But i get these tingles when she smiles at me,
or texts me,
or holds me,
or cuddles with me,
or touches me...
anything hehehe
i've never been treated the way she treats me..
and i'm the princess lol
I can't wait to see what happens with us.
It took a lot to get to this..
but i have to say 2oo9 may just be my year!
until the next episode,
Lea =]
- Location:my room
- Mood:
tingly - Music:lighthouse - ernie halter
i am hurt.
i am afraid.
i am in love.
i am alone.
i don't know how to walk away.
i made a promise.
i know i deserve better.
i know her.
i know she is better.
i still believe her.
i still think we'll have happily ever after.
i think i'm being played.
i think this will end bad.
i think i convince myself to walk away.
i know i fall right back in love with her when we are us.
i think i still have feelings for ashlea.
i know it killed me when she said jenn was her "fiancee".
i am still alone.
i feel like i'm getting everyone else's deserved karma.
i want someone to do even half the shit i do for people i love.
i don't want to be alone anymore.
i want MY melissa back.
i still love her.
i want our life together.
i want to marry her.
i want us.
i want to sleep.
i want to stop thinking so dam much.
i wanna be me again.
i wanna be bright and bubbly.
i want to be Leatriz Rebeca Infante.
i want a lot.
- Location:gma's house
- Mood:
restless - Music:instant star soundtracks..fckn love alexz johnson
so many things have happened in the last few months and all of it seems surreal. i just can't put my fingers on it. i have amazing friends and i realized a few weeks ago that i had a few different groups of friends but the only ones i really gave a shit about were my church friends. the ones that no matter how low or how high i was would sit and listen and give their advice or just hold me while i cried. or just understood. just understood without judgement without disapproval just let me be who i was and i could not be anymore grateful to have them... every single one of them. my chikaz are my rock and out of all of them i think that they will never realize how much they have helped me and continue to help me... they have always made me feel the way i should feel every single day. i am forever grateful and thankful for the love that no one will ever be able to match for me.... those girls are my life. i live and breathe the chikaz and even when i'm being a bitch or cranky or just ridiculous i could never ask for the blessing that they are to me. i dont care how old we will be there will always be the chikaz. then to top it all off i have an insta-family. sometimes i look at nick and think, you don't have any idea how lucky you are to have your mom. even when she does things for me i can't help but be ... unworthy... she didn't have to do any of this for me.. and she did. she does and i can't even begin to describe how much love i have for this woman. she is what i call the patron saint of motherhood. and when nick does something stupid i really want to just punch him. and call him ungrateful cause unlike me, u speak to your mom... and even when she's mad you can still walk past her at home and be mad at each other together. i can't.
i'm glad that me and my dad are close but every time i speak to him i remember that my dad will never grow up and has none or close to no kinda of responsibility. i mean yeah he has bills.. but real responsibility would be me. i mean i'm not a child anymore but i can realize that i will be still treated like a princess the only way he knows. from far away. i love him to pieces and even though it took me the longest time to get to the relationship that i have with him it was bumpy and sometimes i wish he was my daddy again. but he did it in the only way he knew how and as long as my dad and mom have been divorced i can tell when i talk to him about my mom that he will be the only man that will love my mother with all of his heart. no man can ever or will ever match the love and adoration that he has for my mommy. i just wish she could see that. but things happen for a reason you know.
the last person i loved was ashlea. with every fiber in my body. every blood cell pumping through my veins. that girl will forever own a piece of this heart... so afraid i was to open up like that to anyone... and continuely getting my heart broken. built so high to just fall straight on my face. but i think this time it will work. i actually love someone. i have said i love you. i have made my feelings known. and hers for me have also been shared. no one has ever said i love you to me. no one. not in the way that i have been waiting for... and i'm happy. we had it out a couple weeks ago. she came here and then it became complicated and then she left and things were strange and i was left heart broken... but i wasn't goin to give up. you don't take away my happiness to easily. i fought and i fought and it hurt like hell. and i shook from sobbing and i cried in the house, the shower, my car, the park, in my sleep, at work. i haven't cried like that since ashlea, i actually don't even know if i cried that hard for her. i am the first to be the one to rip the cinderella story out of anyones hands. to be the blunt one to never admit that someone could make you so happy that you'd want to spend forever with them... and i know melissa is far and i know that she thinks of things differently than i would or do but i love her. she makes me happy. she can do the dumbest thing and make my day perfect. i miss her and her being so far is breaking my heart but she will be here in october and i'm so excited and i'm looking into goin to visit her before she moves here apparently. i would move to her. all i asked for is a year to finish school. and i know that she would love it here and she's pretty up to moving here and that gives me so much hope. cause i can see myself seeing forever with her... she doesn't ever want to get married and i do but we came to the agreement that we would be forever engaged.. plus i'd still get my ring, mama g says nothing less than 2carats... i don't care. i just want to be with her and i know its really early and we shouldn't be thinking of that but i am and thats how much i love her. she told me last night, i never thought that this would happen and you don't have any idea how much i care about you... I'm excited, i miss her, i love her, i can't wait til she's in my world to meet the most important people in my life cause their opinion is gold.
well i think i'm done... its quite long and i need to go read Eclipse, gotta love this fckn amazing twilight series... ok... til the next episode
Lea =]
- Location:my room
- Mood:indescribable
- Music:missy higgins - don't ever && they weren't there, danity kane: stay with me
i fckn miss her
and now i feel like she's pulled back all of her feelings for me cause she wont do long distance.. she wont even try it.. and thats all i want..
wtf... i feel all alone in this and i dont want to.... i didnt start out alone and im terrified that i will end up like that. like i was sad the entire day of tuesday, july 22nd cause thats when she left and i was like we arent even in my time zone anymore... i can't just get on a train to see you... i'm like cryin right now cause i feel like now i have to hold back all my feelings and start over again
i was looking so forward to falling in love with her and i was starting to and now... i have no choice.. none to just sir here and deal with the fact my fairytale is over.
my fairy tale disappeared.
it never fckn existed
i give up. i'm done.
hey jae...
take my heart with u to the mountain and throw it off the side please.
- Location:my room
- Mood:in consolable
- Music:too numb to be listening
well its been quite awhile since i wrote on here.
mainly because i haven't had a computer but now i have access at least.
let's see where do i begin... i left my house.
my mother, my grandmother, and myself got into it a few weeks ago over me gettin a new car
so i just got fed up and didn't speak to any of them.
well my mother decided that she didn't want me in the house any longer... so i never went home
i stayed at my best friend jayme's house on my days off.
then emily's house when i had work in the mornin
and then finally just moved into the golden residence lol
I've been there for quite some time now.. well i'd say about 4months now...
i love it here.
we are all crazy, but i think its the sanest place i have ever been in in my life.
I start Vocational Technical Union County Adult Program for Cosmetology in September
My financial aid appointment is next week.
Then once i find out if i am eligible for it i can go about gettin a student loan, because Mama G, as i, as well as the rest of the cyo clan affectionately call her, will co-sign a loan.
all i must say is... YAY!!!
then there goes the ladies...
everyone knows i fall for the best of them and the worst of them
it seems theres a new girl ever other month... lol
but i have to say... whole heartedly,
i think i found cinderella...
seriously.
i talk to her for two seconds and she brightens my world up.
i'm on the phone with her right now and we don't even have to talk.
just her being on the phone while i fall sleep lets me pretend she's lyin next to me..
i feel oddly safe and i get overcome with the warm fuzzies.. lol
she lives in new orleans.. fckn ridiculous i know! lmao
but she will be here in 3 DAYS!!!
she's comin to new york for her family vacation and i get to see her at night!!! lol
I'M SOOOO EXCITED!!!
her voice is sooo genuine.
like u know when you can tell when you hear a voice that you instantly trust because of her tone.
i'm absolutely in love with her voice.
im lovin technology right now and my new phone cause her and i can send 30second video clips to each other and the one she most recently sent me gives me butterflies... =]
i adore it.
she knows some spanish and she tries to speak to me or say something to me and its just so cute that she tries sooo hard. she makes me smile.
she makes me blush.
she makes me... lmao...
she just makes me happy. a real happiness that is quite hard to grasp in this situation.
i'm looking forward to fallin in love with her. cause i don't feel like this time ill be alone.
deep down in my heart i think this might be the real thing. yay
she's coming in october for her birthday.
thats right she will be spending her birthday up here with me!!!
we started planning and looking into prices..etc..
IM SOOO EXCITED!!!
we say i love you. she can text me i love you and i smile.
its like a mutual understanding that even though we may not be in love,
we have a general love for the person each one of us is.
PLUS:
SHE COMES IN THREE DAYS!!!
CHIKAZ NIGHT JULY 25TH-26TH SUMMER 2oo8!!
OPEN HORIZONS @ CROSSROADS, HEADLINING BiTCHES, JULY 26TH!
MISSY HIGGINS JULY 31ST W. ALLLL OF MY CHIKAZ @ WEBSTER HALL, NY!!!!
THE POOL AT THE GOLDEN RESIDENCE WILL BE OPEN!
MY BOY CLAUDELL IS COMIN TO NY THAT SAME WEEK, I HAVENT SEEN HIM SINCE 5TH GRADE, WHEN HIS MOM BABYSAT ME FROM 1ST THROUGH 5TH GRADE
AMERICAN IDOL AUDITIONS AUGUST 19TH IN SEACAUCUS
CELINE DION IN SEPTEMBER
SCHOOL IN THE BEGINNING OF SEPTEMBER
MELISSA IS BACK IN JERSEY SEEIN ME FOR HER BIRTHDAY IN OCTOBER....
GOTTA SAY.... I'M LOVIN 23..
MEGAN WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO RIGHT ABOUT THIS BEING MY YEAR!!!
until the next episode,
Lea =]
mainly because i haven't had a computer but now i have access at least.
let's see where do i begin... i left my house.
my mother, my grandmother, and myself got into it a few weeks ago over me gettin a new car
so i just got fed up and didn't speak to any of them.
well my mother decided that she didn't want me in the house any longer... so i never went home
i stayed at my best friend jayme's house on my days off.
then emily's house when i had work in the mornin
and then finally just moved into the golden residence lol
I've been there for quite some time now.. well i'd say about 4months now...
i love it here.
we are all crazy, but i think its the sanest place i have ever been in in my life.
I start Vocational Technical Union County Adult Program for Cosmetology in September
My financial aid appointment is next week.
Then once i find out if i am eligible for it i can go about gettin a student loan, because Mama G, as i, as well as the rest of the cyo clan affectionately call her, will co-sign a loan.
all i must say is... YAY!!!
then there goes the ladies...
everyone knows i fall for the best of them and the worst of them
it seems theres a new girl ever other month... lol
but i have to say... whole heartedly,
i think i found cinderella...
seriously.
i talk to her for two seconds and she brightens my world up.
i'm on the phone with her right now and we don't even have to talk.
just her being on the phone while i fall sleep lets me pretend she's lyin next to me..
i feel oddly safe and i get overcome with the warm fuzzies.. lol
she lives in new orleans.. fckn ridiculous i know! lmao
but she will be here in 3 DAYS!!!
she's comin to new york for her family vacation and i get to see her at night!!! lol
I'M SOOOO EXCITED!!!
her voice is sooo genuine.
like u know when you can tell when you hear a voice that you instantly trust because of her tone.
i'm absolutely in love with her voice.
im lovin technology right now and my new phone cause her and i can send 30second video clips to each other and the one she most recently sent me gives me butterflies... =]
i adore it.
she knows some spanish and she tries to speak to me or say something to me and its just so cute that she tries sooo hard. she makes me smile.
she makes me blush.
she makes me... lmao...
she just makes me happy. a real happiness that is quite hard to grasp in this situation.
i'm looking forward to fallin in love with her. cause i don't feel like this time ill be alone.
deep down in my heart i think this might be the real thing. yay
she's coming in october for her birthday.
thats right she will be spending her birthday up here with me!!!
we started planning and looking into prices..etc..
IM SOOO EXCITED!!!
we say i love you. she can text me i love you and i smile.
its like a mutual understanding that even though we may not be in love,
we have a general love for the person each one of us is.
PLUS:
SHE COMES IN THREE DAYS!!!
CHIKAZ NIGHT JULY 25TH-26TH SUMMER 2oo8!!
OPEN HORIZONS @ CROSSROADS, HEADLINING BiTCHES, JULY 26TH!
MISSY HIGGINS JULY 31ST W. ALLLL OF MY CHIKAZ @ WEBSTER HALL, NY!!!!
THE POOL AT THE GOLDEN RESIDENCE WILL BE OPEN!
MY BOY CLAUDELL IS COMIN TO NY THAT SAME WEEK, I HAVENT SEEN HIM SINCE 5TH GRADE, WHEN HIS MOM BABYSAT ME FROM 1ST THROUGH 5TH GRADE
AMERICAN IDOL AUDITIONS AUGUST 19TH IN SEACAUCUS
CELINE DION IN SEPTEMBER
SCHOOL IN THE BEGINNING OF SEPTEMBER
MELISSA IS BACK IN JERSEY SEEIN ME FOR HER BIRTHDAY IN OCTOBER....
GOTTA SAY.... I'M LOVIN 23..
MEGAN WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO RIGHT ABOUT THIS BEING MY YEAR!!!
until the next episode,
Lea =]
- Location:my room @ the golden residence
- Mood: loved
- Music:katy perry, justin nozuka, faith hill
so where do i begin.
umMmMmMm so much has happened since october.
so much.
so lets see.
nuria fell of the face of the earth: pussy
nadia is back in the picture but not the whole picture: using me, well trying
cheryl is fckn up left and right: don't know why i give her chances, i really dont
pookie liked me a lot && i liked her, just not as much: i basically had what i have always wanted but i didn't want it anymore.
melissa was supposed to be my best friend: yeah then she was talkin about me && making accusations that i wasn't a real friend: i don't care really
so all these females have walked in my life and walked right out.
i just don't care
so i think the most shocking of anything that has happened in recent months would probably be what happened
february 4th, 2008.
i lost my virginitty, to a guy.
well not just some random guy, even though some think otherwise. it was a friend from work.
i'm not really sure, no strike that. i know how all this started
it went from back and forth banter two weeks previous to that day.
basically, you talk smack, back it up
i talk smack, i have to back it up.
i don't think neither of us figured it would go where it went.
the sunday before, we were working together, textin back and forth the entire time.
it continued well into the night. so monday mornin i picked him up.....
i had asked him about six times if he was sure.
the issue here is that... he has a girlfriend
who works with us as well.
i gave my virginity to him. we continue to sleep together.
do i understand that its not nice cause he is with someone, yes
do i really care, no
i honestly have no regard for the fact that he's in a relationship, fckd up ain't it
i like him, yes i have liked him since i started working there but i don't want to be with him
which i can't seem to figure out. umMmMmMm so much has happened since october.
so much.
so lets see.
nuria fell of the face of the earth: pussy
nadia is back in the picture but not the whole picture: using me, well trying
cheryl is fckn up left and right: don't know why i give her chances, i really dont
pookie liked me a lot && i liked her, just not as much: i basically had what i have always wanted but i didn't want it anymore.
melissa was supposed to be my best friend: yeah then she was talkin about me && making accusations that i wasn't a real friend: i don't care really
so all these females have walked in my life and walked right out.
i just don't care
so i think the most shocking of anything that has happened in recent months would probably be what happened
february 4th, 2008.
i lost my virginitty, to a guy.
well not just some random guy, even though some think otherwise. it was a friend from work.
i'm not really sure, no strike that. i know how all this started
it went from back and forth banter two weeks previous to that day.
basically, you talk smack, back it up
i talk smack, i have to back it up.
i don't think neither of us figured it would go where it went.
the sunday before, we were working together, textin back and forth the entire time.
it continued well into the night. so monday mornin i picked him up.....
i had asked him about six times if he was sure.
the issue here is that... he has a girlfriend
who works with us as well.
i gave my virginity to him. we continue to sleep together.
do i understand that its not nice cause he is with someone, yes
do i really care, no
i honestly have no regard for the fact that he's in a relationship, fckd up ain't it
i like him, yes i have liked him since i started working there but i don't want to be with him
from my experience when i like someone i want to be with them and have a relationship with them, and in this particular situation, i don't.
i'm not tryin to ruin his life or his relationship.
we aren't saying sweet nothings to each other.
its just sex. it is what it is.
he doesn't promise me the world
i just like being in his presence, we're still friends at the end of the day
i know full and well the situation that i have gotten myself into.
i just don't feel anything.
i don't feel like im hurting her cause she doesn't know.
if she does find out, which she won't i'm denying to the utmost.
i feel nothing when i look her in the eye and say hey or how are you.
i have no remorse, no guilt, no sadness. i have nothing
everyone has questioned why i lost it to him.
i can't answer that. i can't answer that to myself, none the less to everyone else.
i don't really need to answer it. i don't regret it. i would do it again, matter of fact i still do it.
i don't think i need a reason to know why i did it if i don't regret it.
if i had walked into that situation and felt any negative feelings or had an instinct i would have followed them, i have no problem saying no or saying how i feel, but i didn't.
most girls don't have a good first time, but all situations aside, my first time was perfect.
not involving the fact that it felt like i was givin birth to a gremlin with x-men claws. ouch!
i know i wouldn't like it if it was being done to me, but i wouldn't tolerate it.
i have been the other woman most of the time. i don't really care. especially if i'm not expecting anything.
the "other woman" to me is defined as someone who is being promised, loved, && cared for under the radar. having a full blown relationship on the down low and im not havin that. ive never had that.
so i'm not the other woman.
i know i dont deal with it if i was seeing it being done to a friend, cause i love my friends. i don't want them hurt. to bad i'm not her friend. cause i'm not watching her back. oh well.
as i read this i know i sound like a cold hearted bitch.
oh well
i like feeling numb.
for once i dont have to worry about thinking things up down side to side through around and back down.
i know i need to talk to someone. i will, eventually.
and if karma comes back oh well,
i mean i've had bad karma come my way my entire life and i've been nice and caring and done nothing to karma and it always bites me in the ass... so whatever...
maybe i'll go back to being old lea.
maybe not..
time will tell
until the next episode,
Lea =]
- Location:living room
- Mood: numb
- Music:r&&b
cheryl is deleted from life...
she basically hit fckn annoyin and now i no longer talk to her... just when i thought ok we'll be friends, she fckd it up and i said bye bye. a few days ago she asked to be added as a friend on myspace.. and i've left it. everyone tells me to say DENY but i'm not i'll let her sweat for a lil bit and let her know about my life like everyone else. my myspace page and all the details that you are priviledged to see when you are a friend are no longer visible to her and i love it....
but i have someone... she's the reason i glow. her names Nuria and she lives in Miami, FL
started out with a simple message about how i wanted to say hi and send her some cuban love... went into texting all night and all day the next day. got on the phone at about 8pm, for the first time..... and stayed on the phone until 5am the next morning. we both went to work w. no sleep and smiles.... the next night from about 9pm until 6am the next mornin.. slept for two hours and then was on the phone the rest of the time...
we've been on the phone for the almost two weeks of talking. everyday/all day textin & callin. its just cute. i mean everything that i'm usually doing and saying... is being done for me. i was complainin about being hungry the other day and she said to me "if you had the same bank i'd transfer money to your account so you can eat"... i was left speechless cause for once someone else was doing things for me.... crazy!
so now, i'm goin to Miami in three weeks and i'm sooo excited... we technically are official without being official.. we haven't said it ourselves... but when she talks to her friends its "my girl" or when i talk to my friends its the same. i'm wifey... they call me that too.. and so does she. i don't mind it... in three weeks of talkin she's proven to me more than anyone i've ever liked. plus she respects me... things that i would never think of as gettin me mad or upsettin me.. is things that she refuses to do cause it shows disrespect and she is adorable... i'm happy and i love it... for the first time i don't have that "omg its goin to blow up in my face" feeling. and i like it.. a lot...
halloween is wednesday and i'm excited. goin to new york and im a devil this year.. i think it fits..lmao
i'm off for the night, i'll keep ya updated...
until the next episode,
Lea =]
- Location:kitchen
- Mood: happy
- Music:random myspace music pages
i don't know what to do with myself right now. when i think i'm ok i have another bomb dropped. i can't handle it anymore. i've been shaking all night. i couldn't sleep when i got home, so i caught up on the l word season 3. all that did was restore the pain that i had been able to subside for a couple hours. I wasn't hysterical like the night before... God, I've never ever been that bad... ever. Not even ashlea evoked all these emotions out of me and I love her. well, loved you can say. I'm sitting at the computer in the library after paying 45 dollars in late fees from like two years ago.. but my mom is being a pain and took her laptop and my grandmother is not speaking to me all that much. Then people wonder why my friends are my family. Just when i'm havin probably one of my worse days, something happens with a family member and it gets so much more crappier. I'm literally all over the place. I didn't call her at all and then about an hour after i had fallen asleep, she called and as i tried to answer and call back.. nothin... my heart hurts. if they say its a metaphor, why is there such an intense pain and soreness coming from it. Yesterday was horrible for me. I broke down twice at work, full fledged tears streaming down my cheeks and inability to breathe. thats how most of my days have been about a week after i had come back from Virginia. Then to top it all off i have to be the nosiest bitch in the world and check myspace pages and i did today. Just cause. The other girl is touched and get this, she was there last night AGAIN to see cheryl. While i was arguin with cheryl and tryin to talk with her, friends of hers were in the background laughin and livin it up. She was with cheryl cause cheryl had the mother fckn balls to call me from cunts phone. I can't even explain the bodily harm that i want to do with this chick named April [i know jae i know]. Run her through a wall followed by cheryl. it hurts sooooo bad. i have no words to describe it. i wanted to just stay home and cry yesterday, part of me wants to do that today but i can't cause i have a life and i refuse for someone to over take my life so much... im just pained. to think i get to add another name to the list of ppl who supposedly cared about me and then just decide that they don't anymore....
i just don't understand how people can walk into my life and me be sooo affected by there presence and yet they can walk away like nothin ever happened and i was just a quick fix. i'm so tired of that and it only breaks me down more and more amazing. how could u sit there and say i was amazing and then make me feel like nothing. i can't even describe any of this and i'm tryin so hard not to cry in the middle of this library cause i really can't do that right now. but i feel the tears coming and i feel my breath escaping my lungs. i can't do anything w.o some stupid reminder of everything. i want to fckn break my radio. cause every single song on it makes me want to cry and i quite honesly can't do this anymore. it hurts sooo much and thats how i feel right now.
cunt whore's myspace[april] says that she's touched and her status reads that she sooo misses HER... why is it ok for her to miss cheryl and get a fckn pat on the back for drivin a whoppin 1hr and 45 minutes and me who dropped everything, called out of work, and drove BY MYSELF in the dead of night for 6hours get this treatment. what did i do? what did i do that was so wrong for ppl to treat me this way. i feel so horrible everytime i bring her up cause at this point most of my friends are about this close to gettin in their cars and drivin to Virginia and kickin some ass, Jersey style. its so easy for most people to be like just let it go. Don't stress its not worth it it was her loss... i swear on everything that i know and love if i could just forget and not have it affect me, i would but i can't cause thats how i am. i think everything to death cause my mind won't let me do anything else. it hurts so bad... and mentionin cheryl's name just infuriates my friends and i feel so horrible for doing it... i couln't even form words the other night. i just cried and cried and cried. to the point that emily begged me to breathe, please lea u need to breathe i can't do anything from my house.. i know it hurts but u need to breathe... i would have if breathing didn't hurt so much.
i just don't know what to do.. Please God, and to hearts broken God is near.... i can't do this anymore. i can't do this again. i can't. this is a cycle that i want to break. just please i go to church, im nice to everyone, i'm an amazing person, so why am i in so much pain? and to top it all off i have lost it in the fckn library just shoot me in the face. God give me the strength, cause i've lost it.
this is just to painful for words......
until my next tragedy,
Lea =[
- Location:linden library for a change
- Mood: hysterical
- Music:silence
So ladies and gentlemen I caved in and drove to Virginia to see Cheryl
Yes I did. All by myself as well which at the time seemed like an okay idea but now that I think about it probably not the smartest move in the dead of night. But, oh well its done and over with and I loved it. I got into my grandmother's van at 12:30am on Sunday night and drove with my written directions to Charlottesville, Virginia. I had been on the phone with Cheryl and Arlene and we were discussing it and after a little deliberation I said "Fuck it" and just grabbed my backpack, threw some stuff in it, and called it a day. I don't really know what possessed me to go and drive by myself to Virginia. I mean I have never been the type to just visit someone who I've never met before, in the dead of night, by myself, in someone else's car, and hardly anyone knowing where I am. I really have no idea because this was definitely not like me. But, I had no feeling no to do it. I had nothing in my body telling me that it was a bad idea to just go. I didn't even think about it too long. I was on the phone one minute and the next minute I was halfway to VA.
I pumped my own gas! lol... One of the highlights to my trip which i was pretty proud of myself. But tell me to do that at a different gas station with different machines and I'll look at you like you are crazy..hahaha. I finally made it to her apartment at 6:15am. Her and I had been on the phone just chatting every so often. I told her once I got to her place i was going to sleep cause I just wanted to get out of the dam car. Well I made it all the way there and ended up parking in the parking lot of a Sun Trust Bank because i had gone too far. So I had Cheryl get in her car and come get my ass in her car. I followed her to her apartment complex, which we cut through University of Virginia's campus. We parked and I hopped out the car. I don't think I've ever been so happy to get out of a car in my life. Well nix that, I was in the car to Ashlea's house for 8 hrs.. so two hours off big difference.
Well I closed up and I see Cheryl walking up to me, well half way and I stopped breathing. I literally stopped breathing for a few seconds. I'm not sure why, but my breath was caught in my throat and I continued to follow her. We got into her apartment and I felt like i had lived there forever. I plopped my stuff down on the floor at the foot of her bed and took my sweatshirt off. I was left in a black tanktop and my black bermuda shorts. I crawled into her bed and it was sooooooooooooooooo comfortable!!!! She grabbed her remote and put the TV on.. I looked at her and said "You are going to watch TV?" she said "Yeah, I'm up. Why does the TV bother you? I replied, "No it doesn't but I'm beat and I thought you were too" so she just shut the TV off and we lied there with our backs pressed into each others. After a few minutes I was tempted to just grab her and cuddle with her. I just wasn't sure how to go about it. The first time we meet and we're already in bed with each other, haha. A few more minutes pass and the cuddling issue escapes my head cause I had just given up on the idea altogether. Then she says "Why are you all the way over there?" I smiled to myself and said "I'm right here" she said, "You are far, come here" I said, "I just drove, you come here!" She says back, "Turn over and i'll meet you half way" so I flip over and her arm goes around my shoulders and my head goes into the crook of her arm. We fell asleep like that. We changed cuddling positions a couple times. We woke up two hours later because my phone just started ringing off the hook. So we just laid in bed. Her arms around me and my legs entangled in hers, cause i was amazed on how smooth her legs were. I had made a comment coming up the stairs when I had first gotten there saying "Wow, I really did find someone whiter than I was." lol.. she wasn't too happy about that comment, but oh well. We messed around a little bit. Nothing over the top. Random making out & groping here and there but otherwise really sweet things. Like when she had her head resting on my chest, her face looked like she was a kid in a candy store..hahahaha.. When our heads leaned up against each other while we slept. When we measured our hands. When she realized how short I was. When i held her hand. When she kissed my lips. Just simple things. Her hugging me. When i could smell her hair, Herbal Essence... sooo good!!! The softness of her skin. I was just in heaven and I didn't want to leave. We got up after awhile and just hung around. I stayed in bed most of the time because it was that comfortable. She sat at her desk which was next to her bed. I looked at her and said, "Come take a nap with me". So she got in bed and we cuddled and I got spooned, Thank the Lord cause I'm always spooning other people. We messed around a little bit more and it became evident to me that there would be no sex involved, which I was bummed about but I sorta overlooked it because it was respectful. eh, who can be mad at that right?! well anyway, we both got into the shower a little while after our naps, separately too! We both got ready and the time counted down to when I had to leave.
I sat at her computer writing down directions back home. She just sat on her bed across from me and went between reading directions and looking at me. I'd make comments to her and I'd see her smile. I love that smile. I really really do. I love those lips as well..hahahaha... but anyway it was just great. when everything was all said and done I packed up my stuff and she walked me to my car. We stood outside of my car for a minute just tryin to say goodbye. I didn't want to leave. She knew that but she didn't address it. We hugged and i asked for a kiss. We did just that and I was told to follow her to go get gas. So as I followed her to the gas station I kept telling myself to not lose it cause she could see me. She pumped my gas as I stayed quiet in the car. She told me where to go and I listened. She smiled and told me to call her. She said thank you for coming. I put my seatbelt on and I was on my merry way... Well not so merry cause about 10 minutes into my drive home, I was crying. I called Emily and kind of babbled because I didn't want to leave. I was tired of being the one to have to say goodbye and leave. So i cried for a good portion. I told Emily that I would call her when I got into New Jersey again. I was sad. I text her before leaving the stated, "I miss you and I haven't even left the state. This is ri*fckn*diculous!" She called a little while later cause she couldn't get a hold of me and she started to get worried. Hung up a little while later. I was almost home when we went back and forth with text messages. She called me about twice. I finally crossed into New Jersey when I had gotten on the phone with her. She had asked me what my feelings for her were. I was like "Do I need to answer that?" she said "yes". So i said, "I liked you before, but now that we've met and we've spent time together... I like you a lot." She said that "she was more sprung" I thought that was soooo cute. I mean she admitted to it...
I'm lost now. Cause I feel like I get soooo close, and then I fall eight steps back.
Please just make this either go my way or go away completely!!! PLEASE! I don't have the heart for this... </3
until the next episode,
Lea =[
its about that time, i go away for a lil bit...
Yes I did. All by myself as well which at the time seemed like an okay idea but now that I think about it probably not the smartest move in the dead of night. But, oh well its done and over with and I loved it. I got into my grandmother's van at 12:30am on Sunday night and drove with my written directions to Charlottesville, Virginia. I had been on the phone with Cheryl and Arlene and we were discussing it and after a little deliberation I said "Fuck it" and just grabbed my backpack, threw some stuff in it, and called it a day. I don't really know what possessed me to go and drive by myself to Virginia. I mean I have never been the type to just visit someone who I've never met before, in the dead of night, by myself, in someone else's car, and hardly anyone knowing where I am. I really have no idea because this was definitely not like me. But, I had no feeling no to do it. I had nothing in my body telling me that it was a bad idea to just go. I didn't even think about it too long. I was on the phone one minute and the next minute I was halfway to VA.
I pumped my own gas! lol... One of the highlights to my trip which i was pretty proud of myself. But tell me to do that at a different gas station with different machines and I'll look at you like you are crazy..hahaha. I finally made it to her apartment at 6:15am. Her and I had been on the phone just chatting every so often. I told her once I got to her place i was going to sleep cause I just wanted to get out of the dam car. Well I made it all the way there and ended up parking in the parking lot of a Sun Trust Bank because i had gone too far. So I had Cheryl get in her car and come get my ass in her car. I followed her to her apartment complex, which we cut through University of Virginia's campus. We parked and I hopped out the car. I don't think I've ever been so happy to get out of a car in my life. Well nix that, I was in the car to Ashlea's house for 8 hrs.. so two hours off big difference.
Well I closed up and I see Cheryl walking up to me, well half way and I stopped breathing. I literally stopped breathing for a few seconds. I'm not sure why, but my breath was caught in my throat and I continued to follow her. We got into her apartment and I felt like i had lived there forever. I plopped my stuff down on the floor at the foot of her bed and took my sweatshirt off. I was left in a black tanktop and my black bermuda shorts. I crawled into her bed and it was sooooooooooooooooo comfortable!!!! She grabbed her remote and put the TV on.. I looked at her and said "You are going to watch TV?" she said "Yeah, I'm up. Why does the TV bother you? I replied, "No it doesn't but I'm beat and I thought you were too" so she just shut the TV off and we lied there with our backs pressed into each others. After a few minutes I was tempted to just grab her and cuddle with her. I just wasn't sure how to go about it. The first time we meet and we're already in bed with each other, haha. A few more minutes pass and the cuddling issue escapes my head cause I had just given up on the idea altogether. Then she says "Why are you all the way over there?" I smiled to myself and said "I'm right here" she said, "You are far, come here" I said, "I just drove, you come here!" She says back, "Turn over and i'll meet you half way" so I flip over and her arm goes around my shoulders and my head goes into the crook of her arm. We fell asleep like that. We changed cuddling positions a couple times. We woke up two hours later because my phone just started ringing off the hook. So we just laid in bed. Her arms around me and my legs entangled in hers, cause i was amazed on how smooth her legs were. I had made a comment coming up the stairs when I had first gotten there saying "Wow, I really did find someone whiter than I was." lol.. she wasn't too happy about that comment, but oh well. We messed around a little bit. Nothing over the top. Random making out & groping here and there but otherwise really sweet things. Like when she had her head resting on my chest, her face looked like she was a kid in a candy store..hahahaha.. When our heads leaned up against each other while we slept. When we measured our hands. When she realized how short I was. When i held her hand. When she kissed my lips. Just simple things. Her hugging me. When i could smell her hair, Herbal Essence... sooo good!!! The softness of her skin. I was just in heaven and I didn't want to leave. We got up after awhile and just hung around. I stayed in bed most of the time because it was that comfortable. She sat at her desk which was next to her bed. I looked at her and said, "Come take a nap with me". So she got in bed and we cuddled and I got spooned, Thank the Lord cause I'm always spooning other people. We messed around a little bit more and it became evident to me that there would be no sex involved, which I was bummed about but I sorta overlooked it because it was respectful. eh, who can be mad at that right?! well anyway, we both got into the shower a little while after our naps, separately too! We both got ready and the time counted down to when I had to leave.
I sat at her computer writing down directions back home. She just sat on her bed across from me and went between reading directions and looking at me. I'd make comments to her and I'd see her smile. I love that smile. I really really do. I love those lips as well..hahahaha... but anyway it was just great. when everything was all said and done I packed up my stuff and she walked me to my car. We stood outside of my car for a minute just tryin to say goodbye. I didn't want to leave. She knew that but she didn't address it. We hugged and i asked for a kiss. We did just that and I was told to follow her to go get gas. So as I followed her to the gas station I kept telling myself to not lose it cause she could see me. She pumped my gas as I stayed quiet in the car. She told me where to go and I listened. She smiled and told me to call her. She said thank you for coming. I put my seatbelt on and I was on my merry way... Well not so merry cause about 10 minutes into my drive home, I was crying. I called Emily and kind of babbled because I didn't want to leave. I was tired of being the one to have to say goodbye and leave. So i cried for a good portion. I told Emily that I would call her when I got into New Jersey again. I was sad. I text her before leaving the stated, "I miss you and I haven't even left the state. This is ri*fckn*diculous!" She called a little while later cause she couldn't get a hold of me and she started to get worried. Hung up a little while later. I was almost home when we went back and forth with text messages. She called me about twice. I finally crossed into New Jersey when I had gotten on the phone with her. She had asked me what my feelings for her were. I was like "Do I need to answer that?" she said "yes". So i said, "I liked you before, but now that we've met and we've spent time together... I like you a lot." She said that "she was more sprung" I thought that was soooo cute. I mean she admitted to it...
I'm lost now. Cause I feel like I get soooo close, and then I fall eight steps back.
Please just make this either go my way or go away completely!!! PLEASE! I don't have the heart for this... </3
until the next episode,
Lea =[
its about that time, i go away for a lil bit...
- Location:kitchen
- Mood: sad
- Music:dreaming with a broken heart: John Mayer a*fuck*gain
The cycle...
is exactly that, a cycle
Once again, I've become the one to fall and no one to catch her
been there for them, catered, made them laugh, made sure they were takin care of
and i'm alone... all alone
I've completely decided that
i am Cupid.
I can spot an attraction a mile away and i can also tell who is supposed to be with who and its just.. i can tell...i'm that dam good.
Everyone knows its and they all tell me that i was right, as usual
Yet,
I can't even help myself out.
Anytime i've been even close to any kind of a relationship with someone...
its fallen through with me being the one to get hurt.
I've also come to the conclusion that i fix things.
I'm the repairer.. if thats even a fckn word
When someone is in my heart,
i go above and beyond for them cause i care that much
i put my
time,
care,
and effort to
show that i care
but all that time, care, and effort is put into a relationship
that doesn't involve me
I fell for someone... more so than that i thought i would
I haven't let anyone in since i fell in love with.... her
it scared me.
But i smiled when my phone rang
when i got a text message
when i got random picture mail
... i still smile
when we first started talking
the question was posed if i thought that we would ever get together
and i said yes
i think if we did, we'd last awhile
i just have this feelin
but nowadays i'm not sure of a lot of stuff
including their exact feelings for me
This person refuses to come and visit me
and i think that if we had the opportunity to spend time
and just be together for just a few days maybe then
a decision about me and their feelings for me
I know they are there.. i just ...
this person admitted to me that they needed support from someone
but this support meant someone that actually lived where this person is
wanting to have someone by their side but...
tell that to the 3 flights i've been ready to book and take to see this person to do just that
I still am hoping to get on a plane
Now...
their heart is breaking because the one person
that they are in love with is being stupid and not realizing
what i realized in the first ten minutes we talked
I don't know what to do
or say to make her feel better
I'd give anythin to just get that smile that I love so much, out of her
but its beyond my control
I've stuck by their side
and
will continue to stick by their side
because i still have them in my heart
I like them, a lot
I just am going to be the best friend a girl can be.
What am I supposed to do?
We know what to say to make each other jealous
We know what to say to make each other mad...
We both want what we can't have..
or we can have
but there are a lot of obstacles in our way but i hope that eventually, we can overcome them
I'm here.
until the next episode,
Lea =]
- Location:gma's house
- Mood: optimistic
- Music:itunes
i have a new sense of pride for myself.
American Idol auditions were yesterday. In order to audition you must register. We left for PA at 8:30am. We got there at 10:30am and i was on line for two hours. I got a wristband, a ticket, and a paper giving us details about audition day.
So we drove down to PA at 9:00 to be almost to PA when i realized that I left my release form on the counter. So my mother drove me all the way back home so that i could get it. We finally got to the apartment at 1:30am and we past out. I got up at 3:30 to be ready and on the road at 3:45. We got to the Wachovia Center at 4:15am and my mom dropped me off.
I was at the Wachovia Center from that time until 7:00pm.
18hrs of American Idol fun! lmao... I finally got to audition at about 6:45pm and unfortunately they said that i wasn't ready for it and I wasn't what they were looking for. Its ok cause they didn't take anyone in my group either but I had fun. Met really cool people and I know that I can sing, so I'm ok. I mean how many people in this world can say that they had the balls and did what I did, not a lot. So I'm happy and very proud of myself.
Among other things, Cheryl told me some stuff the night before i left that i was super excited about. Just because. I had told her about this new girl that I had thought was cute and that i had written to. She wrote me back as well and we've been exchanging messages. Nothing really wow but just friendly. So i had told Cheryl about her and she said nothing.
Until i told her that she had commented and messaged me back. She was like I want to see what this girl is like. So i forwarded her page to Cheryl and she was like "She's a mini me" i said, "No she isn't, just cause she has braids and light eyes doesn't mean anything" Then i had read her one of the messages of me telling the chick that i would sing for her sometime. I got on the phone with Cheryl as we were leaving for PA and Cheryl asked if i could sing for her and i did. Then she said to me "Thank you. You sang for me before you sang for that chick from Wisconsin." i chuckled and then she continued "I have to admit that i am jealous that you are talking to her." I laughed she said that she shouldn't have told me. I said i had to hear it from you, I said you could have me but you chose not to.
Then today's phone conversation was good. i had called my dad yesterday and he mentioned that i could bring a friend and stay in his hotel, where he works, for free. Its in Miami, free, & and i could bring a friend. So i text her. i got my phone call this morning and she was like i was goin to be a smart ass and text you back why don't you take that girl from Wisconsin. i laughed and said to her that i knew she would have said that. She was like i don't like that you are making a friend and i can't say anything and i said no you can't. i said you would get a second chance if you cut off candice, all those feelings and she said i know. she said lea my feelings for you are getting stronger because you have been there through everything and have not gone anywhere. she's like i want to have my cake and eat it too. i said yeah that won't happen. she said dam why do i have to be in love with this girl. i chuckled and she said you aren't goin to let me live it down are you? i said nope cause i needed to hear all that. lol..
so i'm satisfied and proud and yay!
until the next episode lovelies!
Lea =]
American Idol auditions were yesterday. In order to audition you must register. We left for PA at 8:30am. We got there at 10:30am and i was on line for two hours. I got a wristband, a ticket, and a paper giving us details about audition day.
So we drove down to PA at 9:00 to be almost to PA when i realized that I left my release form on the counter. So my mother drove me all the way back home so that i could get it. We finally got to the apartment at 1:30am and we past out. I got up at 3:30 to be ready and on the road at 3:45. We got to the Wachovia Center at 4:15am and my mom dropped me off.
I was at the Wachovia Center from that time until 7:00pm.
18hrs of American Idol fun! lmao... I finally got to audition at about 6:45pm and unfortunately they said that i wasn't ready for it and I wasn't what they were looking for. Its ok cause they didn't take anyone in my group either but I had fun. Met really cool people and I know that I can sing, so I'm ok. I mean how many people in this world can say that they had the balls and did what I did, not a lot. So I'm happy and very proud of myself.
Among other things, Cheryl told me some stuff the night before i left that i was super excited about. Just because. I had told her about this new girl that I had thought was cute and that i had written to. She wrote me back as well and we've been exchanging messages. Nothing really wow but just friendly. So i had told Cheryl about her and she said nothing.
Until i told her that she had commented and messaged me back. She was like I want to see what this girl is like. So i forwarded her page to Cheryl and she was like "She's a mini me" i said, "No she isn't, just cause she has braids and light eyes doesn't mean anything" Then i had read her one of the messages of me telling the chick that i would sing for her sometime. I got on the phone with Cheryl as we were leaving for PA and Cheryl asked if i could sing for her and i did. Then she said to me "Thank you. You sang for me before you sang for that chick from Wisconsin." i chuckled and then she continued "I have to admit that i am jealous that you are talking to her." I laughed she said that she shouldn't have told me. I said i had to hear it from you, I said you could have me but you chose not to.
Then today's phone conversation was good. i had called my dad yesterday and he mentioned that i could bring a friend and stay in his hotel, where he works, for free. Its in Miami, free, & and i could bring a friend. So i text her. i got my phone call this morning and she was like i was goin to be a smart ass and text you back why don't you take that girl from Wisconsin. i laughed and said to her that i knew she would have said that. She was like i don't like that you are making a friend and i can't say anything and i said no you can't. i said you would get a second chance if you cut off candice, all those feelings and she said i know. she said lea my feelings for you are getting stronger because you have been there through everything and have not gone anywhere. she's like i want to have my cake and eat it too. i said yeah that won't happen. she said dam why do i have to be in love with this girl. i chuckled and she said you aren't goin to let me live it down are you? i said nope cause i needed to hear all that. lol..
so i'm satisfied and proud and yay!
until the next episode lovelies!
Lea =]
- Location:living room
- Mood: satisfied
- Music:stay- sugarland
even though i'm not crying i still feel inconsolable...
right now i'm sittin at my grandma's house. we have no computer at home so i've been using my grandma's laptop these last couple days. its about 11:30pm and i'm waiting for a phone call.
Waiting, thats right.
I'm ok, well at least i'm feeling better about everything but i am still looking forward to her call. cheryl is supposed to call me at midnight. not the kind of phone call i'm waiting for. she isn't goin to say hey baby. Or hey boo. Or i miss you.
she will be in complete hysterics because she drove with candice's[her ex] family to drop candice off at Delaware State University... where candice is going to go to school...
and my phone just rang... its killin me to hear her cry... FCK
so i'm listenin..
and it hurts... and it has nothin to do with me.
its fckn horrible
that the only phone call
i've been waiting for all day
is the one where she calls and rants and raves to me about her ex.
now we're off the phone... and i let loose on emily cause it took all of me not to cry..
and i did... i just don't even know what to do anymore.. cause i remember when i had to say goodbye to ashlea and that killed me, both times i said goodbye.
so now im probably goin home in a lil bit and i most likely will get a phone call about how she needs to chat. i know i'm gettin a phone call tomorow at least. i wake up only to her ringtone and that just makes me aggravated, cause i'm just the friend.
just cut the heart out of me.. i'm done.
until the next episode,
Lea
- Location:grandma's living room
- Mood: sad
- Music:itunes
sittin in nick's room...
on his laptop cause there is nothing else to do.
been sitting here listenin and watchin YouTube musicians...i'm that bored
the day in the life of me when i have the day off and fast internet.
i'm all over the place right now
scattered
torn
breathless
lost
just another thing that wasn't followed through and left me standing in the rain, alone.
the girl i mentioned before... yeah has since backed off
we were fine, then her ex wanted back in, then i got dropped, then her ex wanted someone else, her ex dropped her, then got someone new
and i stayed the friend in new jersey.
which is where i am now. the friend in jersey
not even the possible great relationship, just the friend
she has "feelings" for someone else in her state... ::gag::
part of me is ok the other part not so much.
been struggling with it all day.
talked to her this mornin and she wasn't coming up to new york but still wanted to go away for her week off from work and i mentioned new jersey and she got defensive
she doesn't want to come up here cause its not the right timing.
what the fuck.
you made it a point to call me and tell me that you were coming to new york and that i had to go into the city for the day so that we could hang out...like what the fuck.
so its touch and go with her. i dont know...i'm slowly losing all kinds of hope that i had.
i had so much hope in this... been a long time since i had hope or faith in anything
gone to shit.
i'm amazing.... wish i felt like that. wish i had someone to prove it.
i love my friends to death.
but the love from someone who chooses to love you because you make them feel amazing, is amazing.
i really want that feeling.
that or a distraction.
myspace is full of guys that want on, and i want no part.
boys are dumb cause when i was "straight" none of them looked in my direction
now that i'm not so straight, they want on... um no fellas
and you CAN'T WATCH
until the next episode,
Leatriz =]
on his laptop cause there is nothing else to do.
been sitting here listenin and watchin YouTube musicians...i'm that bored
the day in the life of me when i have the day off and fast internet.
i'm all over the place right now
scattered
torn
breathless
lost
just another thing that wasn't followed through and left me standing in the rain, alone.
the girl i mentioned before... yeah has since backed off
we were fine, then her ex wanted back in, then i got dropped, then her ex wanted someone else, her ex dropped her, then got someone new
and i stayed the friend in new jersey.
which is where i am now. the friend in jersey
not even the possible great relationship, just the friend
she has "feelings" for someone else in her state... ::gag::
part of me is ok the other part not so much.
been struggling with it all day.
talked to her this mornin and she wasn't coming up to new york but still wanted to go away for her week off from work and i mentioned new jersey and she got defensive
she doesn't want to come up here cause its not the right timing.
what the fuck.
you made it a point to call me and tell me that you were coming to new york and that i had to go into the city for the day so that we could hang out...like what the fuck.
so its touch and go with her. i dont know...i'm slowly losing all kinds of hope that i had.
i had so much hope in this... been a long time since i had hope or faith in anything
gone to shit.
i'm amazing.... wish i felt like that. wish i had someone to prove it.
i love my friends to death.
but the love from someone who chooses to love you because you make them feel amazing, is amazing.
i really want that feeling.
that or a distraction.
myspace is full of guys that want on, and i want no part.
boys are dumb cause when i was "straight" none of them looked in my direction
now that i'm not so straight, they want on... um no fellas
and you CAN'T WATCH
until the next episode,
Leatriz =]
- Location:nick's room..freezin
- Mood: gloomy
- Music:michael buble, acapella stuff
So where do i begin... ah June 25th...
I was browsing myspace, cause i was just that dam bored. I decided to browse for chicks. i felt like telling them they were cute, hot, etc. What's the harm in that, right? Ok. So i write to this girl from Virginia. I thought she was cute, and i honestly didn't think that she'd write back. So when i found i had a response from her i was like Ok. So we went back and forth in messages, That led up to aim IM'ing which led to talkin on the phone that night.
Started a little before 11:30.. ended at 3am.
I had three hours of sleep and then i was excited. i got to talk to her all day the next day at work and i was like wow we really clicked and that's crazy. She agreed but we both enjoyed it.
It's now day four..
and we haven't stopped talking/ texting the whole time. We call each other on our breaks, we have phone conversations on the phone at night until all hours. I've been late to work twice and got written up for one of them, Whoops. That has stopped though. I'm happy. Ever since i came back from Ashlea's, I'm a little bit better. I think i needed to see her to know what i had to do. I mean, I still love her, but I need to do this for me.
We're goin fast. Well we say we aren't but she's the phone call i look forward to everyday. I love getting messages from her. I just, I'm happy. I haven't been like this in the longest time and quite honestly i deserve. She feels the same way about me. We tell each other we miss each other. We have terms of endearment like baby, babe, sweetie.. etc. It's all a lot of like we sound/act like we are together when in reality we're not. She might come see me or i might fly down to see her... ::shrug::... I'm just excited reguardless.
I think i appreciate the fact that i don't have to guess with her. She tells me everything up front. She's just as forward as i am and i love it. I have no time or patience with figuring our what people are thinking. She's with her ex right now and yeah i wish she was able to be hear with me.. but hopefully she will be soon.
I've tried to talk about her to Ashlea, but I have gotten no response what so ever and thats fine cause she's got her own life. I can't do this anymore with her. I've been through so much pain. For the first time since i became bi, someone that I do like, am attracted is coming after me. Its quite the ego booster... well OK, I'm off...
Until the next episode..hehe
<3, Lea
I was browsing myspace, cause i was just that dam bored. I decided to browse for chicks. i felt like telling them they were cute, hot, etc. What's the harm in that, right? Ok. So i write to this girl from Virginia. I thought she was cute, and i honestly didn't think that she'd write back. So when i found i had a response from her i was like Ok. So we went back and forth in messages, That led up to aim IM'ing which led to talkin on the phone that night.
Started a little before 11:30.. ended at 3am.
I had three hours of sleep and then i was excited. i got to talk to her all day the next day at work and i was like wow we really clicked and that's crazy. She agreed but we both enjoyed it.
It's now day four..
and we haven't stopped talking/ texting the whole time. We call each other on our breaks, we have phone conversations on the phone at night until all hours. I've been late to work twice and got written up for one of them, Whoops. That has stopped though. I'm happy. Ever since i came back from Ashlea's, I'm a little bit better. I think i needed to see her to know what i had to do. I mean, I still love her, but I need to do this for me.
We're goin fast. Well we say we aren't but she's the phone call i look forward to everyday. I love getting messages from her. I just, I'm happy. I haven't been like this in the longest time and quite honestly i deserve. She feels the same way about me. We tell each other we miss each other. We have terms of endearment like baby, babe, sweetie.. etc. It's all a lot of like we sound/act like we are together when in reality we're not. She might come see me or i might fly down to see her... ::shrug::... I'm just excited reguardless.
I think i appreciate the fact that i don't have to guess with her. She tells me everything up front. She's just as forward as i am and i love it. I have no time or patience with figuring our what people are thinking. She's with her ex right now and yeah i wish she was able to be hear with me.. but hopefully she will be soon.
I've tried to talk about her to Ashlea, but I have gotten no response what so ever and thats fine cause she's got her own life. I can't do this anymore with her. I've been through so much pain. For the first time since i became bi, someone that I do like, am attracted is coming after me. Its quite the ego booster... well OK, I'm off...
Until the next episode..hehe
<3, Lea
- Location:kitchen, as usual
- Mood: happy
- Music:Ne-Yo ft. Jennifer Hudson : Leaving Tonight.. gotta practice..
i miss her.
It's officially a week since i left for Potsdam, NY and right about now is when we would have finally gotten there. I don't even know where to begin. So many things from that weekend come rushing back to me. Some good and some not so good. So i guess i'll be starting from the beginning...
Her once friend and landlord, Jessica gave me a bag full of her stuff so that i could take it back to Ashlea and also told me there was her sweatshirt... i didn't think there was but of course its all i thought about that day. So after my shower, i walked to my car, where i had left the bag. I opened it and the moment i did, her smell wrapped around me like her arms had months ago. i took it inside and finally put it on. The moment i did.... i fell apart. Hysterically crying. I called jayme and sobbed into my phone "I'm sittin on my steps in her sweatshirt, sobbing" and Jayme just answered "Why would you do that! You know better." i continued sobbing. i was goin to get to go see her in a matter of days and it was all becoming overwhelming. i slept in her sweatshirt every night.
For 8 hours, i sat in a jeep with one of my best friends, Stephanie as we drove to see her. her being the same person i have talked about since i gave in to this whole LJ thing. Ashlea.. the only person i've ever met with my nickname in her name. odd, i know but still... they called her ASH-LEAAAA cause we were one, and when she was still here, it was like we were.
We were fine for the first 7hrs and some odd minutes of the trip. Had not gotten lost and yet, when we make it into the vicinity of her town, we completely got lost. Both Stephanie and I were anxious and stressed from being in the car for so long and just wanted to get there. We eventually just parked on the side of the road and Ashlea got into her car and came to get us. We then followed her back to her house. It was weird at first. We hadn't seen each other since November 15th of last year and it felt surreal. we grabbed our stuff and as i followed behind her into the house, the wind carried her scent and it enveloped all around me. I was really there.
We put our stuff in the house and the girls wanted to smoke so we walked outside and i did probably the stupidest thing.... i looked up. the sky was unbelievably blanketed in black velvet and diamonds. A sight i had been dyin to see with her by my side. I joked and told her that i was takin it home with me. =]
The next day, Saturday, we road tripped to Canada. It was about an hour away and we made it across the bridge without passports. we stopped at the Tourist Center about a couple hundred feet from the end of the bridge. I got of my car and Ashlea says, "I'm in the doghouse" I asked why and she replied "Cause i haven't called her in days." My response? A very bitchy, "Oh well." i know i know, not the smartest move but hey sometimes i speak before i think. Our Canada Trip lasted only about an hour before we got fed up and turned around.
The rest of the day went great. We picked up liquor and decided that we were going to get trashed beyond belief. WE also passed a piercing/tattoo place and decided, FUCK IT. we got pierced. Stephanie got her monroe changed & the bottom of her belly button pierced, Ashlea got her eyebrow pierced, and i got my nose pierced.
then we got to get rides on a 4-Wheeler...
We ate dinner, went back down to her room/basement, changed into comfy/get wasted clothing, and got FU~HUCKED up. We made the first cigarette break and when we came back, Ashlea handed Stephanie a lil box and Stephanie opened it. She looked down at her promise ring and closed the box. i knew before anything was said. i asked what it was and Ashlea said "Nothing" and i left it at that. so as we were intoxicated, i'm thinkin "yeah i can make my move" and after awhile it was like that. we got a little closer and then we got to a point that my back and her knee were touching and she didn't jump. so i knew we were back to normal. So as i'm pretty wasted i throw myself onto the couch, which was holding the salsa for the chips, and the ENTIRE salsa bowl falls into and onto my chest and lap. Onto my brand new white tank top..then seeping into my brand new white bra....
After that BiG spill.... the liquor hit and i went into MENOPAUSE mode. i went outside
[the only place that had service] and called Jayme, sobbing as always. she answered and i said "Talk me off the edge" and i continued sobbing. I was outside on the phone for like an hour, sobbing some more. Then Stephanie came outside and hugged me. NOW YOU KNOW when someone sees you crying and then hugs you, you cry more. Yeah that's what happened. I was hysterical outside for a long time. Then she came outside and didn't really have much to say to me. So we went back inside to go chill and fall asleep. Stephanie assed out before me and Ashlea continued talking to her girlfriend on Skype as i cried myself to sleep five feet away. That night hurt.
The next day, we were scheduled to leave at like 9pm Sunday night.... I was so upset from the night before that i just wanted to leave so we were to leave at 3pm. Didn't help that she stayed on the phone with the gf all night and into the next day. When she had gone upstairs to change i asked stephanie where the ring was. she pointed behind me and i grabbbed the box and opened it. i stopped breathing. it was a full fledged engagement ring. so i took a pic cause thats what i do. plus, my girls would never believe this shit. i officially wanted to go home. i had placed her very long letter into the box she had given me with her grandmother's jar. when the girls were upstairs, i took it out and put it on her desk. she asked what it was and i said its for you... we sat around her room and they continued talking to her gf over i guess conference. i sat on the other side of the computer and cried as Rascall Flatt's "What Hurts The Most" and Michael Buble's "Home" played. it was killing me. We finally decided to go eat. For the very first time that whole weekend, Ashlea and I, were us again. Stupid, funny, dorky us. She asked why i had given the jar back... i just told her to read the letter and she'll know. we walked outside, wating for stephanie and i looked at ashlea and said "i'm goin to cry" she looked at me and said "don't" i said "you know the deal. i am"
we got back to her house and said goodbye to her family. we said goodbye to the cats. Stephanie checked the basement one last time to make sure we got everything. ashlea and i stood next to the car. she asked for hugs and i threw my arms in the air, as always, i call them tiptoed hugs, cause im shorter. she wrapped her arms around me and i lost it. i said i told you i was going to cry. she joked and said git in the car.
needless to say, i cried for an hour and a half.... then held it in for seven hours cause i didn't want to have to subject my steph to my emotional banter.... she dropped me off at the Chili's in Clark, where my Chikaz were waiting to rescue me from my pain. after sittin in the parking lot on the curb for like an hour and forty five minutes, we all went our separate ways. i drove down with jayme to her house. i cried the way down from the fckn radio alone. then i cried myself to sleep. A LOT OF CRYING.
so far i've had my moments. from being ok for a couple days, to crying like now.
i just...
i miss her...
and there are still turns in this lil, well Big story of mine. but i need to sleep.
Until Next Time,
<3Lea
It's officially a week since i left for Potsdam, NY and right about now is when we would have finally gotten there. I don't even know where to begin. So many things from that weekend come rushing back to me. Some good and some not so good. So i guess i'll be starting from the beginning...
Her once friend and landlord, Jessica gave me a bag full of her stuff so that i could take it back to Ashlea and also told me there was her sweatshirt... i didn't think there was but of course its all i thought about that day. So after my shower, i walked to my car, where i had left the bag. I opened it and the moment i did, her smell wrapped around me like her arms had months ago. i took it inside and finally put it on. The moment i did.... i fell apart. Hysterically crying. I called jayme and sobbed into my phone "I'm sittin on my steps in her sweatshirt, sobbing" and Jayme just answered "Why would you do that! You know better." i continued sobbing. i was goin to get to go see her in a matter of days and it was all becoming overwhelming. i slept in her sweatshirt every night.
For 8 hours, i sat in a jeep with one of my best friends, Stephanie as we drove to see her. her being the same person i have talked about since i gave in to this whole LJ thing. Ashlea.. the only person i've ever met with my nickname in her name. odd, i know but still... they called her ASH-LEAAAA cause we were one, and when she was still here, it was like we were.
We were fine for the first 7hrs and some odd minutes of the trip. Had not gotten lost and yet, when we make it into the vicinity of her town, we completely got lost. Both Stephanie and I were anxious and stressed from being in the car for so long and just wanted to get there. We eventually just parked on the side of the road and Ashlea got into her car and came to get us. We then followed her back to her house. It was weird at first. We hadn't seen each other since November 15th of last year and it felt surreal. we grabbed our stuff and as i followed behind her into the house, the wind carried her scent and it enveloped all around me. I was really there.
We put our stuff in the house and the girls wanted to smoke so we walked outside and i did probably the stupidest thing.... i looked up. the sky was unbelievably blanketed in black velvet and diamonds. A sight i had been dyin to see with her by my side. I joked and told her that i was takin it home with me. =]
The next day, Saturday, we road tripped to Canada. It was about an hour away and we made it across the bridge without passports. we stopped at the Tourist Center about a couple hundred feet from the end of the bridge. I got of my car and Ashlea says, "I'm in the doghouse" I asked why and she replied "Cause i haven't called her in days." My response? A very bitchy, "Oh well." i know i know, not the smartest move but hey sometimes i speak before i think. Our Canada Trip lasted only about an hour before we got fed up and turned around.
The rest of the day went great. We picked up liquor and decided that we were going to get trashed beyond belief. WE also passed a piercing/tattoo place and decided, FUCK IT. we got pierced. Stephanie got her monroe changed & the bottom of her belly button pierced, Ashlea got her eyebrow pierced, and i got my nose pierced.
then we got to get rides on a 4-Wheeler...
We ate dinner, went back down to her room/basement, changed into comfy/get wasted clothing, and got FU~HUCKED up. We made the first cigarette break and when we came back, Ashlea handed Stephanie a lil box and Stephanie opened it. She looked down at her promise ring and closed the box. i knew before anything was said. i asked what it was and Ashlea said "Nothing" and i left it at that. so as we were intoxicated, i'm thinkin "yeah i can make my move" and after awhile it was like that. we got a little closer and then we got to a point that my back and her knee were touching and she didn't jump. so i knew we were back to normal. So as i'm pretty wasted i throw myself onto the couch, which was holding the salsa for the chips, and the ENTIRE salsa bowl falls into and onto my chest and lap. Onto my brand new white tank top..then seeping into my brand new white bra....
After that BiG spill.... the liquor hit and i went into MENOPAUSE mode. i went outside
[the only place that had service] and called Jayme, sobbing as always. she answered and i said "Talk me off the edge" and i continued sobbing. I was outside on the phone for like an hour, sobbing some more. Then Stephanie came outside and hugged me. NOW YOU KNOW when someone sees you crying and then hugs you, you cry more. Yeah that's what happened. I was hysterical outside for a long time. Then she came outside and didn't really have much to say to me. So we went back inside to go chill and fall asleep. Stephanie assed out before me and Ashlea continued talking to her girlfriend on Skype as i cried myself to sleep five feet away. That night hurt.
The next day, we were scheduled to leave at like 9pm Sunday night.... I was so upset from the night before that i just wanted to leave so we were to leave at 3pm. Didn't help that she stayed on the phone with the gf all night and into the next day. When she had gone upstairs to change i asked stephanie where the ring was. she pointed behind me and i grabbbed the box and opened it. i stopped breathing. it was a full fledged engagement ring. so i took a pic cause thats what i do. plus, my girls would never believe this shit. i officially wanted to go home. i had placed her very long letter into the box she had given me with her grandmother's jar. when the girls were upstairs, i took it out and put it on her desk. she asked what it was and i said its for you... we sat around her room and they continued talking to her gf over i guess conference. i sat on the other side of the computer and cried as Rascall Flatt's "What Hurts The Most" and Michael Buble's "Home" played. it was killing me. We finally decided to go eat. For the very first time that whole weekend, Ashlea and I, were us again. Stupid, funny, dorky us. She asked why i had given the jar back... i just told her to read the letter and she'll know. we walked outside, wating for stephanie and i looked at ashlea and said "i'm goin to cry" she looked at me and said "don't" i said "you know the deal. i am"
we got back to her house and said goodbye to her family. we said goodbye to the cats. Stephanie checked the basement one last time to make sure we got everything. ashlea and i stood next to the car. she asked for hugs and i threw my arms in the air, as always, i call them tiptoed hugs, cause im shorter. she wrapped her arms around me and i lost it. i said i told you i was going to cry. she joked and said git in the car.
needless to say, i cried for an hour and a half.... then held it in for seven hours cause i didn't want to have to subject my steph to my emotional banter.... she dropped me off at the Chili's in Clark, where my Chikaz were waiting to rescue me from my pain. after sittin in the parking lot on the curb for like an hour and forty five minutes, we all went our separate ways. i drove down with jayme to her house. i cried the way down from the fckn radio alone. then i cried myself to sleep. A LOT OF CRYING.
so far i've had my moments. from being ok for a couple days, to crying like now.
i just...
i miss her...
and there are still turns in this lil, well Big story of mine. but i need to sleep.
Until Next Time,
<3Lea
- Location:kitchen
- Mood:
blah - Music:sappy shit
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.... im just tall..err, short enough to make a perfect fit
3. How cute they look when they sleep.... i could watch her sleep for hours
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms... i wouldnt move if i didnt have to
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.... i miss her kisses
6. How cute they are when they eat... always made her eat even when she didnt want to
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.... she always had to worry about me =]
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside... she radiates heat ::kinkKky::
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear... anything or nothin..lol
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful girl on this earth... she doesn't believe she does, so i'm making it my personal mission
11. How cute they are when they argue.... we argue about everything and we look like we are married, and i love it
12. The way her hand always finds yours... holding her hand was perfect, my hand fit perfectly
13. The way they smile... i live for her smile =]
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the your cell after you just had a big fight... its got a heart next to her name, enough same
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" - even though you know that an hour later....
16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight... id fight just to make up with her
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"... im still waitin
18. Actually...Just the way they kiss you... bingo
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.... id hold her forever and make it all better
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.... i always tell her its ok
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt... haha, she'd never lay a hand on me
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it)... never cause me harm
23. The way they say "I miss you"... makes my heart skip
24. The way you miss them.... unbearable at times
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore... i plan on changing her world
Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.
A feeling.
Only felt.
so lil update, we're stayin at her house now... and she called me last night and said that she just called to say hi, and to see how i was doing, and that there were a million stars in the sky... stars were our thing...and its good to know that it affects her like it affects me... she's excited that we're goin up and im excited cause she is! and she also said her gf doesnt need to know everything that happens in her life.... fck yea! well im off to bed.. just found this and it made me smile...
til next time...
<3, Lea
- Location:kitchen
- Mood: excited
- Music:random shit
i think what hurts the most is that i know she could love me. i know that she can see us together. i know that if she just gave us a chance, she could fall in love with me...like i fell for her. but she wont ever cause im not a sure bet. im some straight girl that "likes" a girl and ill get over it or leave her for a guy. i know this was a short time but dam i care about her as much as i have ever cared about anyone. im not stable. she would never just let herself go and try it with me cause she wouldnt want to be let down, cause she's been let down so many more times before. id die before i let her down. id do everything in my power for her. i love her. i just wish that was enough.
until next time.
Lea
- Location:living room
- Mood:
anxious - Music:itunes
so... i gave in. i'm driving up with my friend stephanie to see ashlea. we leave on june 15th and i can't wait. it'll take us about 6hrs to get to her but i dont care..cause i might cry on the way up and when i leave. but it'll be worth it cause i haven't seen her in six months...she said there's a good chance that we could stay with her but we would have to stay downstairs with her, which is fine. we just need beds thats it. i have also been writing a letter to her..its 5 1/2 pages long back n front and i'm goin to have her read it in front of me. cause then i can explain some stuff that was written before she started talking to me again. its something i have to do for myself and i dont really care..it'll be the last time she hears of any of this cause i need to get it out there.
then there's the, i wonder if her girlfriend knows if im drivin up to see her. i highly doubt it cause the bitch doesn't like me and if she found out that i was drivin up to see her girlfriend and the fact that yeah...i might be staying in her house..yeah bitch ima be sleeping next to her before you!!! :: evil laugh:: i've also decided...that if we are in the moment..that i'm goin to have sex. i love her and i don't care how you call sex with anyone. i just have always known if i was goin to have sex, i'd do it with someone i love. and i do. her. so we'll see...ok im done for tonight...be back later.
til next time,
Lea
- Location:kitchen
- Mood: excited
- Music:itunes
my life now is wtf. my car battery died, again. i have no money to fix it. no money to pay the mechanic for him to fix it. my license is expired. my car has to go to inspection. i just everything is against me. i'm just done.
until next time...
<3, Lea
- Location:my bed
- Mood: disappointed
- Music:itunes....elliott yamin: wait for you
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